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nTrinity

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nI had thought that this whole mommy thing was going to be easy. I thought that I would be able to handle everything that came my way after our babies were born. I was wrong.

nReece had been partially right. Reagan and Rika definitely preferred me to him, and I was guessing it was because I was the one to breastfeed them. I was the one they got their food and comfort from so they started to associate that with me more than Reece. Especially Reagan. He had a thing about women. He liked it when women held him, but cried when most men held him. He could tolerate Dad and Grandfather, or should I say Papa and Móraí, but if Noah, Carter, Riley, Vincent, Shane, or David tried to hold him, he would scream.

nWe have been home for two weeks now. Two weeks of very little sleep and babies that cried when I put them down or handed them to someone else. The babies didn't seem to mind Mom or Lila, oops I mean Nona and Lola. Rika was a lot more easygoing than Reagan was, but she still had the people she preferred over the others. She wasn't as picky I guess, but still sort of difficult.

nBoth of the babies had already grown a lot as well. They were eating more and more every day, and it seemed like sometimes I did nothing but feed the babies. Between feeding them both, burping them, then changing them, by the time I was done with the whole process it felt like it was next to no time at all until they needed to be fed again.

nI was also starting to get worried about Juniper. I hadn't heard anything about her in a few days, and I knew she was going to be going into labor anytime now. So on top of the new life as a mom, I was stressing over my best friend which wasn't helping me at all.

nMom came over often to help me with Reagan and Rika, but she also went to visit Carter and Emmalee from time to time since CJ was born just before my babies. She also spent time with Elias, and then she also needed time that was just to her and Dad. She was definitely busy.

nI was definitely feeling exhausted now though. And I was listening to what Reece said and taking naps while the babies slept. I felt like I was living in an alternate reality where the life I knew and the life I had were not the same at all. I ate my meals at irregular times. and I slept in broken patterns.

nHonestly, I was glad that I did have someone here to help me. If I didn't have someone to help with burping and changing one baby while I started to feed the other then my time with them would take a lot longer. I could just imagine how much of a handful they would be when they got a couple months older.

nMom came into the room when I had just sat down with Reagan, I always fed him first because he was the most impatient of the two of them. I know that I was looking a little weary and Mom could tell.

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"What's the matter, sweetheart?

" She asked me as she sat next to me, no baby in her arms.

"What's wrong?

"

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"Nothing.

" I smiled for her and then looked down at the baby in my arms.

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"I don't want to hear that. I know you and I know something is wrong, and it looks like it's more than just you being tired.

"

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"I am tired, Mom.

" I grimaced at her.

"I'm very tired.

"

n

"I know you are, baby. I know you are. All new moms get tired, especially when they have multiples. But what else is wrong?

"

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"I just thought it would be easier. I didn't think it would be this hard to be a mother.

" I felt that I was about to lose control of the emotions that I had been holding back for the last few days.

n

"Having kids isn't easy, honey. They're a lot of work. They take a lot out of you every day. But you know what? They're worth it. When you look into their little faces, when they hold your finger, when they fall asleep because it's you. Or when they're older and their eyes light up to see you, when they smile, when they laugh. When they learn to crawl, when they learn to walk and then when they run to you for a hug, it's all worth it.

"

nI felt the tears coming now, they were flowing slowly down my cheeks as I listened to her talking.

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"Mom?

" I cried out her name and she hugged me and Reagan tightly.

"I..I..I just feel like I'm not good enough. If Reece hadn't made me then I wouldn't have taken naps while Reagan and Rika were sleeping. But even though he says I should take them, and I know I should, I still feel guilty for abandoning my responsibilities. I just don't know what I should do half of the time. I don't know why but I just feel sad.

"

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"That's normal, honey. It's fine. A lot of women go through that. It's alright. We can work through this. We're all here for you.

"

nWith Mom's prompting, I told her everything I was feeling, and then we worked on a plan of action that would help me to work out how to do all of this. I know that I needed to accept help and not try to do it all on my own, but that was hard for me too. I was used to being the one to get stuff done. I didn't want to make someone else take care of my babies for me. That wouldn't be right.

nReece came to see me on his lunch break. He was still on leave from work technically, but they needed him for something important so he was going in for a few days this week to sort it all out. I told him some of the changes I was going to make, which included me pumping some of my milk so that he would be able to bottle feed the babies and help out more. He liked that idea and was excited to feed them himself.

nI also got a call around six that night. It was from Paul and his voice was frantic.

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"Juniper is in labor. We're heading for the hospital now. Don't come tonight. I know it will be hard on you. You can come and see her and the babies tomorrow, or when we're home.

" He was out of breath when he was done talking, like it was physically exhausting to just tell me what he had to say.

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"Keep me posted, please. Text me updates and pictures of the babies. I can't wait to meet them.

"

nI was excited. My best friend's babies were almost here. And only fifteen days after mine too. That made eight babies in four weeks, the pack sure was growing pretty fast now, wasn't it?

nI spent the rest of the night frantically waiting for updates and feeding the babies. I was so nervous that Reece made me leave the room and get dinner with him while the babies slept. He said I needed a distraction. This was actually the first time I had even gone downstairs in two weeks. I hadn't left the fourth floor since the party the day we got home. That was pretty silly of me, but I didn't think that there was anywhere else that I needed to be.

nAbigail was excited to see me and hugged me tightly. She was happy that we were a family, and she was loving cooking for us again now that I was home. She said that everytime we left she was lonely. I didn't like to make her lonely, maybe I should come and see her more often.

nThat was when it hit me. Most of the staff hadn't actually met the babies yet. I was a very bad lady of the house. I had been neglectful. And when I pointed this out they all laughed at me. Every single one of them from the maids to the cooks, even Peter laughed at me. They thought it was funnier that I was upset than the fact that they should have been introduced already.

nI don't know why, but just that little trip down the stairs made me feel better. I think I was going stir crazy from being in just those few rooms. Yeah they were big but they also only had so much to offer me. I needed to see more, go to more places, and see more people. I think the lack of people was what was getting to me. I had the bed rest followed by isolating myself after the babies. I needed to be with people.

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