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nEditor: Whiteflares

nTrigger warning: painful first time

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nBeing close has plenty of advantages, one of them being leaving little space to look away.

nShen Yan’s eyes flickered slightly, his expression a bit uneasy. It was easy to see that he was intending to look away, yet Qi Jing moved closer, insisting on staying within his line of sight.

n“I talked with Puppet Show the scriptwriter from ⟪Trap⟫ on QQ. She said that at the time, it was you who asked for my QQ number.” He said in a low voice, his tone as if he was maybe laughing, or maybe not. He hooked his fingers on Shen Yan’s cheek, rubbing the slight pale stubble on his chin with his knuckles, “Is that true, Dr Shen?”

nShen Yan didn’t reply at first.

nHe took a while observing Qi Jing’s expression—it was the one he was so familiar with, eyes narrowed into half-crescents and corners of his lips curled up as he chuckled silently. It was completely unrelated to rebuke of any sorts.

nSeeing this, he sighed softly. “Yes.”

nQi Jing was surprised. He only intended to tease him for a bit, but he didn’t expect Shen Yan to give such a conscientious reply, so he couldn’t help but crack a smile. He adjusted his sitting posture, moving his weight a bit before he leaned on Shen Yan’s chest, the ear pressing against it catching his heartbeats clearly.

n“What were you thinking at that time?”

n“What was I thinking…”

nShen Yan repeated his words in a murmur, as if ascertaining the question he was asked, but also as if searching through his heart for the answer.

nQi Jing stayed snuggled in his embrace for a while, then suddenly said, his voice hoarse, “At that time… I had already left that message, intending to say goodbye to you and disappear from your life like this.”

nWhen he said that, Qi Jing felt his arm being grabbed by Shen Yan, as if he felt the late coming of fear, the fear of him suddenly disappearing.

nQi Jing didn’t struggle, only smiling as he continued narrating that turbulent part of his life in a calm, observer-like voice, “That email you sent me… At that time, I didn’t even have the courage to reply to it, so I just pretended that I didn’t receive it in the first place. At first I wanted to delete it, but I couldn’t harden my heart to do that. Silly, isn’t it?”

n“It’s not.” Shen Yan’s voice was hoarse. With half of his face against Shen Yan’s chest, Qi Jing could feel its movement becoming more rapid.

n“Later, I got into a car accident, ending up like this.”Qi Jing took off the arm sling, placing his left hand covered in the cast in a comfortable position by his side. During the appointment, the doctor had said that his bones had already more or less recovered and that he could now make some small movements with it, so it was now much less inconvenient to move. “Although now, my recovery is going smoothly… the moment the car crashed, I was really so afraid.”

nReally, so afraid—

nAfraid that his life would come to end between that metal wreckage and the shards of glass. There was still a message in his mailbox he had yet to reply to, its sender still so vivid in his mind, leaving him unable to forget.

n“If I happened to… die at that place, I would never get a chance to reply to that message of yours.”

nQi Jing’s voice lowered.

nBecause once the pain and shock receded, that terrifying thought genuinely flashed through his mind. The moment of the world spinning in the car, the view of the glass shattering and caving in—neither of those had as big of an impact on him as this thought.

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nIt took him living together for days and nights, getting used to this calm and beautiful life, before he could look back at this moment—only like this would he not wake up from the nightmares at night.

nTalking about it now, he was actually already more calm than Shen Yan, as if he was narrating a story completely unrelated to him. After finishing it, he looked sideways at the listener at his side; Shen Yan’s face was a bit pale, holding onto him without any movement.

n“That’s why,” Qi Jing stopped for a moment, slowly revealing a faint, clear smile, “if the time was to flow backwards, I would certainly not avoid you anymore, I wouldn’t avoid my true thoughts.”

nShen Yan’s hold on his wrist loosened a bit, but he didn’t let go.

nQi Jing propped himself up, looking him into the eyes, guiding him patiently with a question, “And you, at that time, why did you want to keep in touch with me?”

nWhy?What was he thinking at that time? Perhaps he never thought deeply about it.

n“At that time… I only thought of one thing.” No matter if he thought through it or not, his heart had already made a choice in his stead, “I didn’t want to miss out on you like that—”

nHe couldn’t forget.

nCouldn’t give up.

nBy the time he realised, his hand had already reached out, holding that man tightly in his arms with no second thoughts.

n“Pft…” Qi Jing’s eyes were wet as he laughed softly, “That’s the same for me right now, do you know that?”

nShen Yan didn’t say anything anymore, only staring at him without looking away.

nQi Jing lowered his head, confessing hoarsely by his ear, “Shen Yan, I have no regrets having fallen in love with you—”

nNo matter who you are.

n“No. 22?”

nAfter calling this number for the second time, Yang Chunqu secretly broke in a cold sweat.

nNo. 22 was “Kitty の Papa”.

nHaving learned from the previous precedence, she checked for the presence of the competitors at the start of the audition. But after realising that this contestant wasn’t in the channel, she couldn’t help but think of the happenings during the “Bai Ke” audition. At that time, he couldn’t get online in time, resulting in the organizators giving him a warning notice for a deliberate stalling for a time; even she, the MC, got involved.

nThat’s why this time, she was especially careful with how long she could wait. She couldn’t delay for too long, so as not to feed the rumours.

nTo keep such an incident from happening once again, Yan Chunqu helped the staff to check the attendance of the contestants present at the audition, so that no one could use an excuse of having problems with the equipment to stall for a time. Actually, this way of doing things wasn’t targeted against “Kitty の Papa”, it was just a measure to keep the organizators from getting involved in case of an accident.

n“Contestant No.22, contestant No.22, have you not prepared your equipment yet?” Yang Chunqu once again asked weakly.

nAt the same time, the staff searched for this number among the channel members, but there was still no ID like that on the list. Hearing Yang Chunqu calling again and again, all of the listeners were shocked.

nAudience 1: Σ( °△ °|||)︴Kitty’s Papa didn’t come?

nAudience 2: Σ( °△ °|||)︴No way… I only came here tonight for him…

nAudience 3: (crosses fingers) It can’t be that something happened in the last moment making him unable to attend the audition?

nAudience 4: Commenters above, don’t be in such a hurry, it might be that since it’s not his turn yet, he doesn’t want to go online ahead of time, that’s all. Either way, he’s 22nd in the line-up, so it’s still very early for him.【Waaaah, that’s actually just me comforting myself…】

nAudience 5: ┭┮﹏┭┮ I hope that there won’t be any accident.

nAudience 6: ┭┮﹏┭┮ I hope that there won’t be any accident. 1

n…

n…

nYang Chunqu looked at the discussions in the chat, her heart also growing apprehensive. But the competition wouldn’t wait for a person, even more so the time.

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n“It’s almost 8:50 PM already. Staff, please proceed to prepare to announce the officially chosen lines.” She had no other alternative than to continue what she was supposed to do.

nBehind the screen, the sounds started to appear.

nAnd in the room, all sounds ceased.

nUntil a snap could be heard.

nA white button flickered shortly under the light as it shot, landing on the floor before rolling a full circle.

nThe lonely, broken threads hung from the shirt’s collar, but very quickly, they were once again put into a disarray by the hands pulling the collar apart. Too much strength was used, so the cloth of the shirt was pulled taut on the neck, causing its owner a dull pain and leaving him with no other choice but to follow wherever it was pulled, his Adam’s apple bobbing—a sign of handing over all his rights to the other man.

nIt was their first time… that man’s behaviour couldn’t be described as “gentle”.

nYet, it still made him feel fulfilled.

nThe back of his head was just against the wall, but it didn’t hurt—that man’s hand was behind to protect it. Still, the wall was nothing but hard, having one’s back pressed against it didn’t feel that good. He was just about to move away from it, but a hand caressed his face, passing by the line between his ear and hair, fingers spreading wide as it held his head in place.

nThe man before his eyes moved closer.

nQi Jing instinctively closed his eyes, gasping quickly as he accepted the kiss, one that could easily scald him.

nThe bed in the study was already narrow in the first place, so with two men entwined on it, the place left was even more scarce—they could only try to tangle together tightly.

nShen Yan’s hand on the back of his head plunged into his hair, pushing it closer strongly as he kissed him with savagery. His other hand had already felt its way to the second button, the pulling still as ruthless but not to the point of snapping the button off, only crumpling up the shirt on Qi Jing’s body into an utter mess.

nA faint whimper escaped Qi Jing’s lips.

nHis head was a bit dizzy from the lack of air, so he had to rest his forehead against Shen Yan’s shoulder. Completely stripped from all of his strength, he curled up in that man’s embrace.

nShen Yan’s kisses were erratic, like those couple of raindrops at the beginning of the rain—they left him wet, but not drenched, only fueling his thirst.

n“…Ngh…”

nAt first, he was still leaning forward, but gradually, his body grew soft and his back slowly leaned weakly against the wall.

nAll of it was just like an ailment of some sort. At the beginning, he could still muster some strength, but then, he went completely feeble, the heat rushing to his head burning his mind into the ashes, leaving his head blank.

nQi Jing felt as if he was a lantern made of paper—the fire within blazed stronger, brighter, the paper just on the verge of burning, scalding to the extreme.

nHe tried his best to stick to the wall, the wall could at least cool a person off.

nBut Shen Yan pulled him over, holding him tightly into an embrace. As they entwined intimately, their breaths sounded just like a paper lantern being lit—the tongues of flames started their dance, slowly brushing the places where their bodies met. He couldn’t help a muffled groan escaping his lips.

n“Shen Yan,” Only when he called that name he realised how hoarse, how burned his voice had become, “Shen Yan… I don’t regret.”

nShen Yan didn’t reply.

nHe only lowered his head, once again biting his lips.

nThe kisses before were like the beginnings of the rainfall, but now the rain got stronger, falling continuously with force.

nAs if he had already waited for too long, his throat parched beyond extreme, causing him to seek for a way to quench his thirst. Just touching their lips was far from enough, so he also moved his tongue to join in this rain.

nFirst, they touched each other’s lips.

nA moment, a while as they couldn’t bear to part, not until they remembered the taste—only then they pulled back, just to go seek deeper the next moment, with more vigour, prying the other’s lips and plunging inside. The sweetness even more strong than before assaulted their senses, rich, mellow and long lasting, just like that of an aged wine.

n“Huu…”

nAfter having held their breath for so long, they at last started panting shallowly—even the feeling of suffocation was as if they were amidst the heavy rain.

nIt was that same feeling of restlessness when one’s clothes clung tightly to one’s body as they dried in the wind after being drenched.

nBefore he could even realise, his hands were already on his clothes, stripping them one layer after another.

n“It’s so hot.” Qi Jing found an excuse. For himself, but also for Shen Yan, “…We’d get sweaty.”

nIt was a terribly clumsy reason, not at all believable when said during the first days of the winter.

nProbably because he knew that it wasn’t all that convincing, his voice was very quiet. It’s just, because the two of them were so close that even their noses touched, whenever one of them spoke, their hot breath would easily assault the other.

nShen Yan didn’t say a word.

nHis hand on Qi Jing’s nape slowly combed through his hair, their pitch blackness twining between his fingers with a soft rustle. The soft sensation made him think of a cat basking under the sunlight during the winter, its fur comfortable to stroke—but other than that, he was nothing like a cat.

nFor example, if he moved his hand lower, he would feel Qi Jing’s neck.

nAnd if he were to continue wandering even lower, he would arrive at the place where his nape connected to the back. The feel of the skin was also nothing alike, a bit cold in the night air, but also so fine… so beautiful.

n“Qi Jing.” He called in a hoarse voice.

nIn compliance to that call, Qi Jing opened his eyes, one of his shoulders still leaned limply against the wall, his clothes in a disarray as he threw him a sideways glance.

nShen Yan slowly moved his body over, pressing his knee closer. The boards of the narrow bed creaked inaudibly, but Qi Jing only watched as he pressed closer, opening his mouth as if wanting to say something—yet once he saw the look in Shen Yan’s eyes clearly, he couldn’t say anything anymore.

nBecause there was already no need for the words—Shen Yan probably didn’t know how strong the desire was in his gaze when he looked at Qi Jing.

nQi Jing lowered his eyelids a bit, then suddenly, he clutched the collar of Shen Yan’s shirt, pulling him down as he laid back on the bed.

nShen Yan gasped, unprepared for that. Just as he was about to get back up, Qi Jing held tightly to the hem of his shirt, not letting him move. It was only when he made sure he no longer intended to sit up that Qi Jing slowly released the hold on his shirt, circling his arms around his shoulders, once again holding him in a tight embrace.

n“Don’t say anything,” He was no longer using his voice to speak, but to breathe, like a feather teasing an ear, “…show me.”

nThe temperature gradually fell at night.

nOutside the window, the bodhi tree rustled, like a whisper of a couple in the dead of the night.

nInside the apartment, the light covered the places stripped of the clothes like a thin layer of honey, that lustre of the unblemished warmth leaving one wanting to take a gentle bite—and Shen Yan had indeed done so, opening the shirt that didn’t even have a full set of the buttons anymore, his fingers slowly caressing the two collar bones whose lines were so distinct under the light—before he lowered his head to leave his mark.

nQi Jing let him have his way, let him take whatever he wanted.

nThe hickeys from the last time have still to fade completely… This time, probably even more will be left. He thought dazedly as he gasped.

nMany of the thoughts of this kind hovered on the verge of his consciousness—he thought them, but only fleetingly.

nFor example the audition.

nAudition… It has probably already started?

nHe didn’t remember to ask Shen Yan if his account was online in the competition channel all that time.

nHe didn’t remember to ask Shen Yan, just what this audition meant to him.

nHe didn’t remember, he had no way to—

nHe only remembered that very moment, only Shen Yan before his very eyes. Unrelated to anything else, unrelated to any outsider, a man belonging to him only.

n“You’re mine only…”

nWithout him thinking, these words fell from his mouth; it was even when his voice was the most sensual.

nHearing him say so, Shen Yan lifted his head with a pant, moving his hand to Qi Jing’s black hair spilled on the pillow. At the same time, he reached his body forward, his nose tracing slowly up the line of Qi Jing’s throat, moving towards the back of his ear before he slightly opened his lips to nibble at the soft part of his earlobe.

nQi Jing’s ears blushed very easily, but earlobes are usually the least warm part of a human body, so once the cold and warmth met there at the same time, they merged into an unique flavour.

nThat was Qi Jing’s weak point.

nOnce bit, he wouldn’t be able to even flinch, going soft from head to toe.

nShen Yan had kissed Qi Jing’s earlobe before, hence he knew that this was his weak point. That’s also why he didn’t think twice as he nibbled along its curve, feeling it slowly become flushed and frail, emitting a kind of scent that no words could describe, a very pleasant one. In a moment of passion, Shen Yan bit stronger, gnawing and sucking, causing a moist sound to arise from time to time.

nQi Jing’s breathing became heavier.

nSo much so that he could hear the breath scraping his throat as it flowed hurriedly, both parched and hoarse. According to the voice acting standards, it didn’t sound all that good, but it was very passion-inducing between the sheets.

nSuch a voice, once used to seduce a person, couldn’t possibly be met with a decline, “…Touch me, will you?”

nThe man on him made a soft, nasal “mn” in response, taking back one of his hands to feel his way down, finding the zipper of his trousers and undoing it clumsily. Perhaps it was because his fingers were trembling, but the chain of the zipper kept stucking. He couldn’t undo it for a while, the thick cloth stretched slightly having been pulled along the zipper, rubbing against the underpants below time and time again, the friction causing an ambiguous noise.

nQi Jing bit his lip as he chuckled, stretching his arm to hold Shen Yan’s hand, correcting the position of the zipper in the right direction and sure enough, it let go.

nAs the teeth of the zipper chain went undone one after another, the sound it made mixed with their violent heartbeats, especially crisp among the both of their panting.

nHe had already taken a shower and changed his underwear, so the cotton material was soft to touch after having warmed up on his body.

nNot at all difficult to strip.

nShen Yan unzipped the fly of his trousers and let go, his two hands slowly tracing along his waist to the back. Then, he moved upwards, under Qi Jing’s messied shirt, stopping at the dimples of his lower back, pulling him into his embrace. Qi Jing moved along with him, holding Shen Yan’s shoulders tightly in his arms, his feets pressed against the bed as he did his best to put his body in the most convenient position for those hands to move.

nThe trousers slipped off his feet, half of it on the floor, half still hanging off the bedside.

nHaving shed the clothes, Qi Jing shivered a bit.

nBecause of his messy work and rest routine these years, his constitution wasn’t that good, so his limbs would easily lose warmth during the coldest days, and even at that moment his knees felt cold.

nShen Yan seemed to be aware of that, his hands stopped for a while as it slid down to his knees, rubbing there lightly twice. No matter whether it was for strength or warmth, those hands gave him an indescribable comfort, his legs gradually relaxing, bending them becoming much easier; even his toes curled involuntarily from that man’s warmth.

nAt that moment, Shen Yan lowered his head, planting a silent kiss on his knee. Qi Jing gasped quietly, shrinking his leg back from the embarrassment, but Shen Yan caught his ankle, his thumb right on the small dimple under the bone. As if his weakness had been grasped, Qi Jing shuddered slightly and fell back limply onto the pillows.

nHe couldn’t see a single thing aside from the dazzling light enveloping the room.

nHe couldn’t think of a single thing, aside from this man.

nAs this man’s tongue traced a wet line on the inside of his thigh, a numbing current rushed up his spine, his heart as if held tightly in those firm and strong hands, beating rapidly. The impact of his blood rushing was too big, making him feel as if he was about to lose consciousness.

nLose not only his consciousness—the restlessness of deliberating each move, the pain of remaining vague, as well as the sense of alienation.

nAll of it was gone in a moment.

nTheir first time had no adjustment and no aids, just a body against body, invading silently.

n“Ngh…”

nEven though he grit his teeth, he still couldn’t help a painful groan from escaping.

nIt hurts—He wasn’t at all prepared and there was no warning either, only the pain.

nHe didn’t know when that man started breaching him, by the time his brain reacted, he was already halfway in. But because he waited for it for so, so long, what he felt first wasn’t the pain, but… fulfilment.

nA very, very intense fulfilment.

nHis whole body was stretched taut, he didn’t know what posture could possibly lessen the pain, but his arms hooped tightly on the other, not letting go as the immense pain momentarily made tears gather by the corners of his eyes, flowing down into his hair. He heard himself sob and buried his face in Shen Yan’s shoulder, crying.

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nA

/N:

nI also cried… But no matter what, let me congratulate the two of them a little.

nI don’t want to think about whether it’s their 0.5 or first time anymore… (flops)

nI was stuck with this chapter from last year to now, so in a sense it counts as 13

/14 new year chapter, very suiting… Taking the time difference into account, it’s Xiaohan today. Within the three five-day long periods of time of Xiaohan, one of the periods is “Geese Fly North”. I don’t understand the logic behind it all that well, but it is said that during these days, although the air is still cold, for some reason the yang energy starts to act up and the wild geese fly to the north. Uncle Yan, you truly are… “yang energy acting up”… Is 2Yan delicious??(*`艸`*)

nAlso also… Please remember to always prepare lube so it doesn’t end up painful… (silently lights a candle for the two of them)

nT

/N:

nLucilla: Definitely… definitely always use lube and do all the preparation when needed… *bonks Shen Yan and Qi Jing with a bottle of lube*

nBut I need to say that aside from the fact that their first time is biting the pillow (sigh), the descriptions are just so sensual!

nWhiteflare: SY, you really needed lube… you didn’t even attempt to prepare him! Bad goose, bad goose! (Definitely sensual though)

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