n

n

n.

n“Oh, you made it. It looks like you got some help, but good that you asked a stranger for directions,” he said. He then stretched out his hand and tried to pat my hair, which he often did, while praising me, ‘Good job, good job.’

nLooking up at him blankly, I took a step back and avoided his hand. Eun Jiho then stared at me with a slightly bitter face.

nI felt something from his attitude, but anyway, it was now after midnight; his so-called ‘birthday’ was also over.

n‘I’ve done what he wanted for the whole day, so I guess I can also do whatever that pleases me now,’ I thought, but for some reason––no, I seemed to know what it was––I felt quite blue. Sidestepping Eun Jiho, who was yet standing still in the hallway, I took short and quick steps to go inside the room.

nI said, “I’m gonna leave now.”

n“Oh, really? Thanks for today.”

nFrom the nuance reflected in his behavior right now, there was no sign of confusion, which he had until yesterday––I mean, until talking with Yoo Gun––, remaining at all.

nOnly then did I realize that Eun Jiho’s unstable attitude, which seemed to have been quite unsettling all day, had stemmed from his true heart.

nPerhaps he spent the whole day doing what he wanted to do without thinking about the future.

nI suddenly stopped walking and directed my eyes on Eun Jiho, who was paused in the middle of the hallway. His silver hair shone like a star under the light.

nWhen our eyes met, he tilted his head, wondering, ‘Why?’ with a refreshing voice. I just stared at him with a sullen gaze then turned my head.

n“No, nothing…”

n‘You are able to do that…’ I murmured.

nWhen thinking about my future, I should not get along with you guys anymore. This was based on my groundless hope of myself remaining in this world even years later.

nThere might be nothing left beside me in a few years. Although I had that in mind, I wasn’t ready to accept that yet.

nBecause you meant so much to me…

nHowever, Eun Jiho… you were able to do that… After a moment’s hesitation, Yoo Gun’s advice was enough to stop you from feeling sorry upon ending something you would die to have.

nThat would be the difference between you and me.

nSuddenly, it made me feel emotional.

nAs if he noticed the look on my face, he asked me, ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ but I just ignored him and turned the doorknob.

nHowever, now that I came to think of it, we only received one card key, which was currently with Eun Jiho. Thus, I wasn’t able to open the door at all.

nStill, I wanted to open it. If there was a chance for me to avoid Eun Jiho’s face right now, I would rather just leave here as soon as possible.

nDisregarding Eun Jiho’s hand carefully touching my shoulder from behind me, I knocked the door twice. Suddenly, the door opened with Ban Yeo Ryung’s face coming into view. She could not have looked so fabulous at that moment.

nLooking at my face, Ban Yeo Ryung asked me in surprise, “Donnie, what’s going on? Did something happen outside?”

n“Um, no. I’m just too tired.”

nPutting an awkward smile, I continued, “Now let’s get back home.”

nYoo Chun Young, who was sitting on the couch behind Ban Yeo Ryung, or Jooin, who was lying on the bed, threw a glance at me one after another.

nAs soon as Eun Hyung asked me, ‘What’s up? Everything okay?’ with his eyes open wide, Ban Yeo Ryung nodded at me and turned back to bid farewell.

n“We’re leaving.”

n“Huh?”

nEun Hyung flung that question while looking a little disconcerted, but once he saw my face over Ban Yeo Ryung’s shoulders, he stayed silent.

nSo was Woo Jooin, who became quiet. When our eyes met, he took out his phone silently and shook it at me, mouthing, ‘Text me.’ Reading his message with ease, I slightly nodded, but it would be likely not today for me to get in touch with him.

nMy gloominess now wasn’t just from Eun Jiho. That was because if the world changed, Eun Jiho wouldn’t be the only one whom I would be losing.

nHe, at last, turned me around to face him. The fresh look he had just now disappeared; he suddenly turned a little stiff. Perhaps he thought I would have heard something disrespectful from someone whom I had encountered in the bathroom.

nHe asked, “What’s going on?”

n“Nothing. I said I’m just too tired.”

nEun Jiho then looked too ridiculous for words.

n“Hey, do you think that’s a tired face…”

nThat was when a hand suddenly stretched out to my shoulder from behind me. I turned around.

nHe was so tall that he blocked the light shedding to me.

n“Yoo Chun Young,” I opened my mouth.

n“I’d take you to the lobby.”

nWithout adjusting his disheveled hair, Yoo Chun Young directed his blue eyes on Eun Jiho and said, “I will go with her. Stay here.”

n“… Fine.”

nEun Jiho replied while slightly furrowing his brows. He then took his shoes off and went inside the room. Before I left, Eun Jiho suddenly lifted his gaze and threw it at me.

nHe might be considering that the reason I was acting like this could have derived from him. Eun Jiho would then begin to guess several things; however, although he later noticed that I heard his conversation with Yoo Gun, he would never know why I had been behaving like this.

nIt was a fortunate thing for me.

nWhen I walked along the hallway with Yoo Chun Young and Ban Yeo Ryung, who were both remaining quiet for now, and finally descended the stairs, I changed my mind.

nAs I lifted my hand and put it on my forehead, Ban Yeo Ryung, who was beside me, embraced my shoulders and spoke in a warm voice.

n“Donnie, what’s up? Just let me know.”

nI moved my lips but soon sealed them and just bent my steps, thinking, ‘Having a concern about something that no one can understand is good, at some point, since nobody will notice it. Still, it leans more to the miserable side.’

n‘Not only Eun Jiho but other kids will also not understand me.’ The proposition I had in mind felt dreadfully sad.

nWhen I kept my mouth closed, Yoo Chun Young and Ban Yeo Ryung didn’t say anything at all too. In front of us, who were standing mute in the elevator, the operator seemed hesitant to ask what floor to press.

nYoo Chun Young then said, ‘The lobby, please,’ in a calm voice, but the air inside the elevator was still heavy.

nWhile the elevator was struck by a suffocating silence, it finally arrived at the lobby floor. As I stepped outside, I heard the operator heaving a big sigh behind us.

nIt was really night outside. While the coal-black darkness thickly surrounded the window as well as all the areas that were out of contact with streetlights, the sky far between the skyscrapers was still dark red covered with dust.

nYoo Chun Young walked to a small building with a ‘valet parking’ sign on that looked like a security office and spoke a few words to the guard. He then came back and said, “The car will be here soon.” He also added that he took a short nap.

n“So, I’ll leave once I see you guys getting in the car,” he added, meanwhile getting a frog in his throat.

nWhen my eyes met with Ban Yeo Ryung’s, we shook our heads as if we planned to do so. Ban Yeo Ryung opened her mouth first with a smile.

n“You’ve been looking like a zombie ever since you were at home. Go take some more sleep.”

n“Totally agree,” I replied to Ban Yeo Ryung.

nAs the two of us shared the same opinion, Yoo Chun Young could have accepted it. He, however, just stared at us blankly with emotionless eyes then shook his head obstinately as a refusal.

nSince we had been inside at an air-conditioned place until just now, the air of the summer night felt notably hot and humid outside. That was when I lifted my hand to stretch my collar a little.

nYoo Chun Young, who was gazing at me, detached his lips.

n“Ham Donnie.”

n“Huh?”

n“What happened earlier…”

nYoo Chun Young continued to speak at his characteristically slow pace.

n“Can I ask you… about…”

n“Uh-huh.”

n“What it was?”

nYoo Chun Young sounded even more cautious than usual.

n.

nOh… I opened and closed my lips for a second. As he finished his remark, Yoo Chun Young blankly looked down at me.

nFeeling his gaze, I reverted to what he just said.

nHe didn’t say, ‘Would it be okay to ask you?’ Instead, he used, ‘Can I ask you?’

n‘Sorry, I can’t,’ was way easier than saying, ‘No, it’s not okay.’

nEven that smallest detail of him seemed so considerate to me… I couldn’t help laughing when thinking about how much I had my back against the wall that even those trivial things touched me so much right now.

nI perked the corners of my lips upwards to hint a smile but soon pulled a wry face.

nNext to Yoo Chun Young, there stood Ban Yeo Ryung looking worried about me with her sparkling black eyes fastened in this direction. It looked as though she was also looking forward to my response just like Yoo Chun Young.

nLooking back and forth between them, I covered my face with my hands. The look on my face seemed too dreadful.

nWhile I felt their stinging gaze around my cheeks, I detached my trembling lips.

n“Um, it’s just nothing special. It’s really nothing… but a thought that I forgot for a while entered my head, so…”

n“What is that thought…?”

nBan Yeo Ryung asked back in a quivering voice. I clenched my lips then continued to speak.

n“Why am I the one whom the world is changing?”

n“…”

n“I just… forgot that for a while, but suddenly…”

nPouring out the words with an awkward smile, I soon paused to do so and finally lifted my hand to press my eyes firmly.

nBan Yeo Ryung and Yoo Chun Young remained quiet for a while. We were like that, standing in the middle of the deafening silence. Meanwhile, I murmured while covering my eyes alone.

n‘Damn it. I must calm down and keep talking again that that doesn’t mean I’m going to get away from you guys.’

nEver since I entered high school and decided to spend my school life with them, I promised to myself that although they might forget me one day and I would be the only one who kept all our memories, I would stay beside them no matter what.

n‘So, please don’t get me wrong. I’ll be fine even though you guys may not remember me one day. Just always be there for me, please,’ I should say these to them.

nThen at the next moment, what slipped out of my mouth was something that even I didn’t expect.

n“It’s not my will to vanish away. I don’t want to get forgotten too.”

n“Donnie,” whispered Yeo Ryung with a low voice.

nI raised my hands again and buried my face onto them. My voice was shaking like crazy.

n“That doesn’t mean I’m gonna forget you all. It’s just me who’ll be erased from your memories. You guys wouldn’t mind at all if I were gone… I didn’t ask you guys to remember me or feel any pain upon my disappearance…”

n‘It’s not my will to leave you in your future, Eun Jiho.’

nMy last words didn’t come out but crashed inside my mouth to the bitter end.

nI, eventually, crouched down. Ban Yeo Ryung and Yoo Chun Young quickly took a few steps toward me. In front of them, I buried my face on my knees while sinking my head on my chest.

nOf course, Eun Jiho didn’t declare that he would end our friendship. I was aware of that.

nHowever, Eun Jiho clearly stated that he would make a choice for a ‘better future,’ so he would gradually cut out needless things and only obtain those that would be essential and better for the time to come.

nThus, I, who might, one day, vanish away without a trace, would possibly belong to those that were needless.

nThat was what I feared so much.

nAlthough Eun Jiho and I have spent six hours together today, if that time disappears into thin air from his memory, he would be wasting that much time in his life. Not only Eun Jiho but also Ban Yeo Ryung and the rest of the Four Heavenly Kings.

nI then realized I couldn’t guarantee to them leaving even just a tiny piece of something in their future.

nStill, I mumbled, “Even if I can’t leave anything, is it too selfish to be with you guys as long as I’m staying here?”

n“Donnie.”

nLooking bewildered, Ban Yeo Ryung then sat crouched and made eye contact with me.

nHer pretty hands came over to me and touched my ears, but I didn’t raise my head. Still laying my head on my knees, I just sat still.

nThat was when I heard another footstep getting closer to me at a slow pace. It then stopped right in front of me. Ban Yeo Ryung was, still, covering my ears with her hands until then.

nA voice dropped on my head.

n“Who asked you to leave something?”

nI didn’t respond, but when Yoo Chun Young’s next words continued, Ban Yeo Ryung and I, shamefully, couldn’t help ourselves letting out giggles through our lips.

n“You’re not stock or real estate…”

n“Pfft.”

n“Pffftt.”

nShoot! I eventually fell forward while losing balance in my squatting position in the aftermath of laughter.

nGiggling beside me, Yeo Ryung then helped me to stand up and quickly asked, “Donnie, are you okay?!”

n“Um, no…” I replied. I wasn’t okay. Not because I almost collapsed, but Yoo Chun Young’s hilarious yet characteristic reaction made me feel quite dumbfounded.

nSuddenly, my tongue seemed to work very smoothly as if it were greased. I lifted my head and glanced at Yoo Chun Young, who looked unbelievably decent to drop some silly jokes just now. While he was staring down at me, I uttered, “What a metaphor… you’re insane.”

n“It’s because you’ve kept saying leaving something or whatever.”

nWhat Yoo Chun Young replied after with a sullen face made me stumble again.

nHe added, “My eldest brother, he’s a good stock investor.”

n“What?”

n“Gun hyeong. Yoo Gun.”

nDusting off my skirt and helping Ban Yeo Ryung to get up, I thought, ‘Yeah, Yoo Gun, he was a good stock investor. Yeah, I knew that.’

nYoo Gun’s following remark lifted my head.

n“What will remain or not because you’re with us… no need to worry about it. We don’t even care about that, so why are you concerned about such a thing?”

nHe sorted out his opinion so well that it felt, somehow, cold-hearted at some point.

nWhen it came to something that he thought was correct, Yoo Chun Young was always straightforward without adding or removing any parts.

n‘We don’t even care about that…’ repeating his words in my head, I answered back with a slightly subsided voice.

n“I, at least, have memories…”

nAs Yoo Chung Young nodded, I continued to speak.

n“Whereas you guys have nothing memorable.”

n“It’s not your will, so what?”

nYoo Chun Young’s response was still too dry and concise that I was now feeling a bit blanked out. His face, reflected in the hotel light through the dark, showed no warmth as if it was made with ice.

nWell, what he said made sense, but although it wasn’t my will… Swallowing a sigh, I opened my mouth as this overall conversation needed a further explanation.

nTaking a step toward Yoo Chun Young, I stared at him at a close distance and continued to speak.

n“So, what I’m talking about is that the time we’ve spent together over the last four years will total… I don’t know, maybe about hundreds of hours…”

n“Uh-huh.”

n“That whole time is utterly gone from your life.”

n“…”

n“I mean, in that case, I’d say I’m taking something away from you than not leaving anything.”

nI added with a bitter voice, “I’m making you lose your time…”

nCompleting that sentence, I switched my gaze to Ban Yeo Ryung. She grabbed my arm more tightly while looking pale in surprise; however, it looked as though she didn’t sort out what she wanted to say yet. That was when she moved her lips slightly.

nYoo Chun Young cast a question.

n“Why will it be gone?”

nBan Yeo Ryung and I faced front at the same time.

nYoo Chun Young’s face looked still straight and imperturbable. Staring at his face for a moment, I arrived at the conclusion that he didn’t understand what I was talking about at all.

n