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nYoo Chun Young didn’t keep in touch when we wanted him badly to talk about the first episode. Well, he wasn’t refusing to chat with us, so his phone call might indicate that he finally had his free time now.

nHowever, I couldn’t answer his call in this situation. After glancing at Yeo Dan oppa, I pressed the end button without a second thought. The moment I detached my thumb from the button, the part of my skin that touched the phone screen felt unusually cold.

nLifting my head, I uttered, “Sorry, oppa, please, I want to hear further.”

nHowever, Yeo Dan oppa just blankly stared at my phone that I just turned off.

nI asked back, “What’s wrong?”

n“Who was it?” He responded to me at the same time.

nI was frozen for a second but soon opened my mouth again, wondering why this situation felt the same as digging a tunnel on my own.

n“It’s Yoo Chun Young,” I replied.

n“You’ve been waiting for his call.”

n“I can call him later or maybe see him at school. Anyway…” I carefully pulled his arm, adding, “Let’s return to our conversation.”

nThat moment, Yeo Dan oppa grabbed my hand. It wasn’t to pull me toward him to get closer as he usually did to me, but a cautious, refusing gesture. Having noticed his intention, I raised my head and looked him in the eyes.

n“Donnie, the reason why I said I couldn’t understand myself is that…”

n“Uh-huh.”

n“If I tell you something… I know that you’ll listen and follow me.”

n“…”

n“… No matter how absurd things I ask you for or even if I confess to you my most incomprehensible emotions.”

nI dropped my gaze at the floor for a moment.

nHis most incomprehensible emotions reminded me of the moment when Yeo Dan oppa expressed his feelings about Yoo Chun Young earlier. Did I try to accept all his words just as he said to me no matter how ridiculous they were?

nHonestly, he was correct. Before we started this relationship, Yeo Dan oppa borrowed Yeo Ryung’s preference for things and used it as a measure of shaping his world. And so did I; he also influenced me at some point.

nI was assured that everything he did was right. If I were rugged, uneven pottery, Yeo Dan oppa was born to be a masterpiece.

nHe was also a kind of savior to me since it was him who gave me a helping hand when I was alone going through the most challenging times in my life. Therefore, it was inevitable to be so indebted to him. And that’s why I kept thinking that I wanted to give him everything he wanted.

nTaking a deep breath, I asked, “Still, what’s the matter when it’s me who’s making the choice?”

nNo matter what’s inside his mind, Yeo Dan oppa shouldn’t feel too pressured to tell me about his indescribable feelings. As I said, it was my choice to accept his suggestion; it’s me who should be responsible for my decision. However, he looked uncomfortable.

n“But if there are no options to choose from, do you think you can make the right choice?” Yeo Dan oppa questioned.

n“…”

n“I told you I hate your friend just because you’re able to have… a good feeling about him…”

nI replied hesitantly, “But… I never reacted to those words yet, oppa.”

nHis following words made me speechless.

n“But you just ignored his call.”

n“…”

nHe continued, “What if I keep eliminating the things around you, instead of myself working hard to become the best person in your life?”

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n“…”

n“Right now, you’re able to make a decision, but it won’t become a choice to you later.”

nA cold winter breeze blew from his words. The dark hallway then turned into a snowy winter afternoon during the New Year holidays. The desolate scenery of the paintball playing field with tires, brick barrier, and containers entered my sight. I was catching my breath after being eliminated from the game. Lucas, sitting beside me, threw a remark apathetically.

n‘Do you really think a choice you’ve made because you have no other options means you made the right one?’

n‘Broaden your mental vision. Don’t drive yourself to the corner too much. That’s the way to live a life true to your heart.’

nCould Lucas’ advice and Yeo Dan oppa’s confession be understood in a similar context? It was hard to tell.

nLucas pointed out that my narrow-minded point of view was pushing me into the corner. There were other paths I could take, but I considered only one route was possible; once I kept going along the way, I could reach the edge of the cliff and never go back. However, Yeo Dan oppa was talking about ‘himself’ removing my options and leaving me just one way to take.

nIf someone questioned me about how I felt about the two comments, I had no choice but to respond the same––no matter how many options I have, what does living a life true to my heart mean in the first place?

nI didn’t see many people thoroughly convinced about themselves; perhaps they were afraid or thinking of themselves as unqualified to become fully aware of what their minds and heart were speaking to them.

nBut on the other hand, agreeing with Yeo Dan oppa on letting him keep only a few of my options open seemed like I was shifting all my choice and responsibility to him. I became bewildered at the unexpected circumstances.

nWhat kind of response could satisfy him? I gently bit my lips nervously, then suddenly realized how hilarious I was.

nEven at this moment, I wasn’t taking my mind or feelings into consideration. Instead of listening to my heart, I was struggling to find the most suitable answer for Yeo Dan oppa. How spineless and vulnerable am I? It had been a while since I became aware of it.

nStill, he’s the person whom I liked, so I wanted him to keep feeling good about me; I wished he wouldn’t leave me…

nLooking at me with mixed feelings, Yeo Dan oppa opened his mouth after a long pause.

n“Donnie… I need…”

n“Uh-huh.”

n“… I need some time to think about us.” He closed his eyes, then said with great difficulty, “I don’t get what I want.”

n“…”

n“I’m sorry to tell you the truth and confuse you.”

n“…”

n“Please give me some time to sort things out.”

nAfter some hesitation, I nodded yes since I also needed some time to clear my mind. Now I was able to grasp how thoughtless I had been living my life.

nWhen I felt anxious, I grabbed his hand or buried my face onto his shoulders, leaning on each other. Hoping that the warmth between us could remove the useless thoughts, I was being naive and complacent. At least, Yeo Dan oppa was much more honest than me in our relationship.

nI never even deeply think about what I had sacrificed or what I should devote to keep our love alive. To me, the fact that we were now together seemed unchangeable as long as we started our relationship.

nIf Yeo Dan oppa didn’t bring up this conversation now, we would have become a tragic couple on a sinking ship.

nThere were so many people in the world, not being able to change their lives as they wanted to live. Even though I was aware of it, I couldn’t release his arm from mine until the end.

nAs I stood still, my feet rooted to the floor, Yeo Dan oppa quietly held my wrist. Taking my hand off him, his face seemed to be slightly covered with a veil of agony. He patted my head warm-heartedly, then put his arm down. That everyday touch reminded me of the numerous moments we had together, which almost made me burst into tears.

nLooking me in the eyes, he bade farewell.

n“Good night. I’ll be in touch with you again.”

n“Okay.”

nHe didn’t say, ‘later,’ but used the word ‘again.’ It still included the meaning of the promise, but why was I feeling so empty?

nI turned around and pressed my chest firmly with my thumb so that he couldn’t see me trying to calm down my pounding heart.

nOnce I returned home, the living room was now empty. I walked past the silent space and went into my room. After crawling up to my bed, I sat down and covered my ears. My heart was still beating so fast.

nSitting on the bed absentmindedly for a while, I suddenly looked down at my phone. There were a few unread messages and a missed call from Yoo Chun Young.

nMy eyes wandered around his name. Shaking my head, I shoved my head to my knees.

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